Alice is wondering...

Lately I've been having that feeling that I'm living someone else's life. Situations I've been involved in, words which have been spoken and things that have happened- just unbelievable. Sometimes so many things happen in 24 hours that it gives me a feeling that my days became so long. If there is more of that waiting for me, I'm afraid I will have to start calling my life ridiculous. I'm a believer, I know that there is some greater power above us. It's very powerful, but at times I think that it's so powerful only thanks to the energy that it sucks out from us. This morning I was standing in the kitchen window, speechless. I had so many issues in my head to be solved.. but I couldn't feel nothing. And I know you said that ''we'll figure it out'' but I just.. I let it go. I also told you that I've been through a lot of shit so it's hard to break me. But please, please don't put me to any more tests in the upcoming d...

I wrote a whole post. About me and my current problems. But then I took a deep breath, looked back.. and deleted that thing. It was too mad and too personal. Now I feel like.. any emotions at all, like I don't care. You just can't imagine that state. At least I can laugh again.

Summertime (CLICK!) Some things I just can't explain. The way I feel, for example. It's kind of a chemical reaction, and I was never good at chemistry. It's like air. I have to accept the fact it exists without seeing it. But I can smell some scents in it, sometimes it gets hot, blurry or moisty. Wow, that's a nice comparison! So, recently, a lot of things have changed. In my personal life, at work. I try to accept them all in the way I receive them. I believe it's the best way to deal with life. Don't fight with it, if something is ment to be- it will happen anyway. Someone told me few days ago, that you have to be confident to succeed. Well.. I have a quite good self-esteem, but self confidence.. That's something I haven't learned yet. It's hard to do, because at some point you need to act like what you do is always right, even if you have to risk a bit about that. But I can't, don't know how to. I am very self critical, I don...

-You make me happy- -''So''- we use that word a lot, don't we? - he asked. - Sure - I said- I use it often myself. - So ''dus''? - Yep. The sun was shining, birds were singing and hint of prosecco just started to give me a nice feeling on my tongue. It was warm but not warm enough to uncover my birdy from my back. The tension was growing among the green grass and metro train running over our heads. So many colours, sounds and smells. But just for one moment everything went still. He was talking dutch and I was replying in polish, and you know what? It was only a game for fun but some things don't need translation. Smile, sparkling eyes and laughter. Sure it sounds like a cliché, but think about it, that's true. Happiness doesn't require explanation- because it's an obvious, pure, great emotion. You see someone who's happy and it just makes you sick, because ''how the hell anyone can be that optimistic...

So... I am back! I'm trying to make up my mind, to write about my short- polish holidays, but it's hard. It was too short to see everyone and to do everything, but it was long enough to see the most important people, eat good quality food, drink my favourite polish beer and vodka with my dad, go to the city, check what's changed, laugh with my friends (with a hint of sth funny), talk with my mom (but only a bit!). Oh yeah, and to get a tattoo. I have to admit, life's hard in Poland if you don't have any way to deal with it. It's expensive (for polish people), it's very unfair and mean. Politics is something that you HAVE to avoid if you don't want to go crazy. My friends.. they get on. They really do. They're young and have a lot of tricks how to survive and take the best from life. It's different for older people, for people like my parents who still remember communism and would love to take a rest from life. Instead life is turning its back o...

Tacos, by my sister! Well, today I've done only two things from my ''To-do-on-a-free-day'' list. I called my mom, to let her know what time I'm arriving at the airport in Gdansk. And I've checked is it okay with Ryanair to have separate camera bag with cabin baggage. Oh yes, there was also the third thing- I didn't leave my bed until 11 o'clock. Epic win! Tomorrow after work I am going to the city, not alone what gives me the will to go. By ''the city'' I mean of course Amsterdam, and going alone is not as fun as going with someone to mess around. I just can't wait to arrive in Gdansk. To be picked up by my dad and park our car in front of our block. Look at all the balconies and people hanging at them, watching me coming out of the car and wondering ''is she here for good, or is it only for holiday?'' I want to see my cat, hug him. I missed that motherF a lot! I want to enter my room, leave my tro...

I survived, 5 days in a row (today an extra one), and it went almost perfect. But today my boss was having a period I guess, because he ran in half of my sentence, interrupting me with some really bad- attituded advices. About kitchen towels. Really dude? I am all dirty and smelly from cleaning the buffet, floor and all the shit that guests left (or to be more precise their dirty plates and then cleaning dishwasher from what felt in its filter), pushing the delivery into the fridge keeping in mind expire dates, trying not to think about how does my back and feet hurt and you are telling me that kitchen was dirty because I (and that's not true, but that's another story) left dirty towels all ove the place ? Seriously?! That's the first thing you say when you see me that day? At the very end of my shift? And where's the ''thank you for coming to work on your free day, Alicja'' part? I guess it's right in his ass (sorry Mr. J. if you ever read this)...

Oh, I am deadly tired, too much work and still 2 days in front of me, 2 off/2 work and then.. Poland! Can't wait to see my friends, my hometown and my kitty! He is my only love ;) So, yesterday I got a tip from Donnie, where to look for a room/an apartment. But still wasn't sure should I or shouldn't I begin to search. Well, today after work I was so tired, when I had to go home.. actually I didn't feel like. I'd rather stay in the hotel for a night then travel aaaaaall the way back to the (as we call it for fun) '' Big City Almere ''. And then I arrive at the train station after 45 minutes and jump on my bike. And what? The WIND. Almere, The Windy City .. I just can't stand it, man! And ALWAYS in my face, never in my back. Really. I want to be closer to everything! It is my dream to live in A'dam. Yes, I am on a waiting list for an apartment on Bilderdijkkade, but who knows how long is it still going to take? It can be f**king 2 years. S...

Sure, Beastie Boys weren't from my decade, but I definitely grew up listening to their music. Come on, you gotta love them! MCA! R.I.P. So, at work.. Somebody pissed me off. Obviously, he doesn't know, that you reaaaaally don't want to make me mad. Because I can be a real bitch. And indeed, tomorrow- I will be one! P.S. I don't want to be a B-side, I wanna be the main track!

Would you be mine, Would you be my baby tonight? - Lana Del Rey Oh, the weather, grey again. I was walking through the park and it got me wondering... Life's just like such walk. You go on, sometimes it's shiny sometimes rainy. You get to the end of one path and you have to choose another one. You're standing there with no idea what to do. One path is leading to the right, you know it really good and that's probably the safest direction to take. But you feel a bit bored, you want the excitement which the path on the left can give you. It's so new and fresh, so unknown, but so tempting.  What to do? Where to go? Why is there no third path? Why do you really have to choose anything? It was so good and perfect, and now you have to decide how is it going to be like further on. But if you choose wrong way to go? There is no turning back, the bridges go burn. Well, I think that even if something is going to be your biggest mistake, it was ment for you. To learn for the fu...

Spring is here, again So, after 4 days of hard work I am having a day off tomorrow, which means.. staying up late tonight! Cheers. Watching tv series, listening to music but surprisingly- no alcohol . Okay, maybe Bacardi later on. Today at work some old, Spanish woman shouted at me. Yeah- in Spanish. I didn't get a thing from what she was shouting out in my direction, but from the place she took in the buffet I could guess that it was about lack of the croissants. Oh dear, how wrong it is from me not to have 300 croissants for group of 240 guest all coming at the same time, with the ovens capacity of about 90 croissants per 15 minutes. Spanish people, they love tomatoes, cacao, milk and toastbread. They are loud and don't know a word in English, so it's quite entertaining to be asked about spoon, when the word ''spoon'' can't be used. So.. they run around, showing me activites that you can do with a spoon, to let me see what they're asking for...

I am too complicated even for myself. First I decide not to do things,, then I do them anyway. I say ''yes'' when I'm thinking ''no''. I hesitate when I really want something. I spin around trying to avoid things that I want to happen to me. I brake promises, which I made to myself. I trust strangers, get bored with the most exciting things. Fall out when I didn't even fell in. Is it okay?