Alice is wondering...

I am sitting near Spui, having my dinner which consists of white grapes and blueberry juice. People next to me are feading pigeons and having a video conversation on the phone. Go away! I miss Nancy, we had a lovely evening yesterday. I took her to bed and we were sleeping together for 4 hours. Then I had a late dinner and wanted to go and sleep..but I couldn't anymore. I was so tired but I could not sleep.. So this morning I woke up extra tired. I had to train a new receptionist, deal with a lot of check outs and with wedding guests. Dude, that's a lot. But then I called M., heard his voice and laugh and it was ok again. Damn, I can't hide it anymore, I speak Dutch quite well, they force me to talk, but the language is so ugly! I think I will visit American book store, I'm bored and still have a lot of time. Omg, my heart is racing weirdly fast recently. Time to visit the doctor..again!

I had a dream that I had to run away. I don't know why and where, but I was alone and had to run away. On my way I had to hide a lot. Also in a church. It started to rain. and suddenly the weirdest, most bizzare and absurd thing happened.. I saw a small guinea pig, shivering from the rain and cold, trying to find a shelter to hide from the wind. And I've heard a voice ''save her!''. So.. I took the little animal and kept it with me all the way. I was feeding it, I gave it water and at first it wanted to run away from me. It was so.. anxious, scared. But with time it become easy to handle. Like.. grateful. So, in my dream, I escaped from that something that I was running away from. But the thing that stayed in my mind after I woke up was: I want to have a guinea pig! Damn I'm crazy. But think about it. I'm used to having a cat. When I was home alone, I wasn't ever really alone. He was there to give me a lazy look or come and ask for some attenti...

Yeah, let's talk about that. Let's take a look at how well exploited do I get and how great do I deal with that. It's just not equal. And I do it to myself, I mean, I let other to that to me and that is such a pain. I literally let all of you treat me as ''wailing wall''.. and then you leave. And that's okay because I let you. I do not have any power over you, and I don't want to have any. My mind hurts, my body hurts, my heart is beating fast as hell because there is someone who makes it go wild. I keep on smoking cigarettes, drinking wine and eating as much shit food as I can. And yet I'm surprised I feel bad! I listen to Keane instead of some kick-ass rock n roll, so it can keep me crying instead of being cheerful. I stay alone not to talk to people, and I feel bad, because I feel lonely. It's my own fault.

So you don't really understand, don't you? I almost went mental when I've heard my posts being misunderstood. But then I remebered what my best friend told me: ,,you have to do the things that you want, for yourself, don't care what someone thinks about it''. So I just let it go. I don't need all of you to understand. Anyway I went tonight with my sister to the Museumplein to see opening of Utimarkt. I had no money, cigarettes or alcohol, but they fixed that for me. The show at Museumplein was really nice, but the people.. They don't know how to have fun. And I saw Sef! It's like.. There has been such a funny song (well I found it funny) on Mtv Brand New, and the guy who does it suddenly shows up on stage, and we're standing approximately 5 meters from him. So I look at my sis, she looks at me and we're like ''WTF!''. Below you'll find the video for the song. So I have a free weekend and I can't do a shit because I ha...

One more time will I hear someone complaining about others, one more time will I see the other day picutre of that person having super-hyper-fun with the other one, I swear- I'll go crazy. I mean.. come on! Can't you be honest at least with yourself? Or is it like you need to be surrounded by someone who is more dumb than you, so it can make you feel confident, lift up your self-esteem? Now that I start to rebuild my values and way of seeing myself, you people, yeah- YOU keep on doing the most stupid things that drive me crazy. You say wise things- you do shit, you say you miss me- you don't care to say ''hi'', you tell me someone is stupid- you still go out with that person, and I feel sorry for you, because probably that person is your only chance to have fun with. Never reliable, never honest or trustworthy. Do something for yourself and stop making shit decisions about who do you share your time with. You don't need to fake it. And why do you...

I know that I have a great life. I'm healthy, I'm surrounded by great people and live in a great city. I earn money which let me afford small pleasures. Why am I sad then? Afterall I feel that something is holding me back from reaching out for the everyday-unconditional smile. It's almost like.. I don't mind being sad because I know it so well. And honestly, that's a bit scary.. I don't want people to think that I'm strange because I divide smiling into fake and real one, and strangers don't know the real one. I can fake it so easily that I'm afraid to forget how to smile truthfully. Yesterday I talked with my best friend. We talked a lot about him, me, about our fears. We talked about how afraid I am to make a mistake, because I don't want to ruin anything. Well.. He opened my eyes to some things. I become to believe that we turn to be perfect when we start being ourselves. If you show people around what you do and how you do just because t...

There is the truth which I don't share There are some secrets But I can't dare To expose in the ether It won't go away   It doesn't matter If I could reach you Through the stormy weather Fight the wind and rain And the freezing cold Maybe you'd see me growing old Next to the place So close to my heart So sweet in my mind  Right there between your palms Crushing the ice Crawling through the nights Breaking the hearts Tearing apart Would it be better if I let them break me Kneel before the rats, bury my dignity Come, be my saviour Hide me from danger Face me to sunshine Cut off the anger ------------------------------------------ I truly hate that hotel. Not my job, job is okay. But I hate it. It's just wrong.

I texted my Dad today, that I miss them all. He texted back that they miss me too. I almost cried in the tram. Sometimes I feel lonely, altough I've got my sister here, my wonderful boyfriend and my friends. It's just something I can't explain. The thing is.. I don't like to be alone then. But if I have to.. what can I do? I just light another cigarette and hope that tomorrow it will get better. I've sent an application to Gerrit Rietveld's Academie for O-year. It would be great if it works out. I don't know where from will I get the money for it, but it's something I will worry about later. I just see that time is passing by. A lot of my friends are already engaged/married/have children. Don't get me wrong- I don't want that, I think it's way too early. But it makes me realize that time goes by and I need to do something if I don't want to get stuck at the reception desk for my whole life. People hurt me more and more with th...

I think I'm back. I don't want to promise anything but now that my bello bought a charger to his macbook and we can steal wifi from the neighbours (or the school nearby, not sure) I will write from time to time. So! Reception is going good. I mean.. there are still things that I won't learn, probably ever. But it's easy. You only need to smile a lot and be emphatic. Besides that- it's boring. Check-in, check-out, print, sign, have a good day, blablablah. Apartment is lovely. I love coming home here. Sometimes I'm here alone, sometimes with Stevani, sometimes somebody comes to visit me, and- let's be honest- my Batman spends here a lot of time. Sometimes I feel bad because the poor guy didn't go to his home for 3 days already. I don't want to take his space from him. We're free. But on the other hand.. It's so nice to come home, to him. Eat together, talk, sleep. The only thing that ruins my free time now is my late shifts at work beca...