Alice is wondering...

I didn't sleep again. I mean, every hour I was facing the fact that the clock moved just one hour ahead since I checked it last time. My life, sweet like cinnamon- got a bit bitter. I mean, when I get one thing solved then another problem comes up. But some things, no matter how hard you try, are unable to get solved. Last week I can call the worst week of this year. All the time something new was coming up to me, to slap me in the face and say ''You see, you're not as good as you were thinking''. Well.. I don't have problems to admit that. I am not as good as I should be. Yesterday in the night I've been considering every possibility- even going back to Poland. But come on. That would be a huge step back, and I need to move forward. So I started to make other plans which I am not going to mention here, because those are only plans and I don't want them not to work out because I said them out loud. Now I am going to wait for what happens. I fe...

So, people read my blog, they leave me feedbacks about my posts. I hear a lot that I'm very smart and they like the way I write. Ok, hereby I reveal a secret: I'm not as clever as I thought I was. The other day I´ve been preparing a draft for my blog. I wanted to start a whole new project called ´´reception diaries´´ which came into my head on a boring afternoon. At work. So I quickly started to write down my thoughts in Microsoft Word to print them out and then delete. Well, I did print them out but I haven´t delete them. As you all know, I like to write the whole truth with a hint of spicy words, juicy stories and to exaggerate a little bit.. So there was something very unpleasant about my General Manager and my roommate with who I´m having some issues (I say ''some'' because actually I have no clue wath is it about). Anyway, it would be really cool if I'd only delete that thing. But I forgot while it got busy. As you can predict, just like in a come...

I think I am reaching a whole new level of understanding what relationship   is about. Or let me put it in another way: how to deal with a relationship of two people who are so similar to each other that when they confront a difference between them- they get a problem. It is a sort of collision which hits you like a train.. but it doesn’t hurt. It’s more like a biblical revelation, your eyes open to something that you didn’t notice before. It may not be as easy as you were thinking but it’s certainly worth the lesson. People make a mistake, they find someone who is very special and they think ‘’that’s it’’. Well, that’s what I also thought at first. I met someone who matches my idea of a man, the vision of a great partner. And all I was thinking about was how lucky I am, how the world should be jealous and that I have to hold on to that person no matter what, because ‘’that’s it’’. Uhm.. no no no. That doesn’t work exactly that way. When I think that way- I don’t enjoy. I ...

Picture taken from "Skins" series, to which I was addicted back in the days. Well maybe I didn't eat for three days, but for one, and I totally know the feeling, and I am always very reasonable, mature, decent.. But sometimes My temper brakes. And I don't know what is better. Tell me what kind of a woman are men searching for? A quiet one that will say ''I understand'' every time and she will understand because she's too smart and modest to make a scene. Or rather a woman which will throw the dinner that she was preparing to the floor and make you feel guilty trying to get some respect from you? Even if inside she also understands but she simply wants to finally grab you and take into her.. special place. I feel so ashamed when I act impulsive and say things which I haven't really thought. It makes no sense, it's not what I am, I am patient. Why then do I act like a fucking teenager who's holding on to her dream about perfect...

So, Saturday evening, I have preapred everything for another day of work, including lunch consisting of plums, apple and crunchy bread. Took a shower so in the morning I have more time and went to bed. I fell asleep quite easily but then, at 2 o'clock I've been brutaly woken up by the worst pain that I have ever experienced. My belly, again. Like a tiger would have eat it alive. Drama. I wanted to go and take my super strong pills but oh well, I was unable to move for quite a long time. Finally after crying and praying to God, the pain let go for a moment. I ran to the drawer, grabbed the pills and took immidately two of them. I tried to lay down back in bed in a position which would cause the less amount of pain but it wasn't too easy.. I had a head-ache from all of that and those stupid Osdorp young people decided not to give me a break and throw a party down from my window (not to mention they are doing exactly the same now which is driving me crazy, because even in Pola...

Last Tuesday, very unexpectedly I have received an invitation for an interview at Gerrit Rietveld Academie. I prepared myself like for the exam of my life. I collected all of my writing work, I've chosen my best pictures, searched through my closet to find my self made t-shirt and collected all of the jewellery I have ever made (ok, not all of it, some of them I sold, one of them I gave my mom for Mother's Day). I also had to fight at for for the possibilty to go to that interview. Full of emotions, I finished work at 12.15 and ran to the station to catch a metro. I left the metro at Amstelveenseweg, got on my bike and 2 minutes later.. there it was. The famous Gerrit Rietveld Academie. Well I have to say that from the inside it looks like one of polish, half-abandoned primary schools (with a really scary toilet lacking toilet paper..). Anyhow, when I entered the cafe where everyone was waiting I could immidiately tell that.. That's not what I am, and that's not going...

So, yesterday I went to the city, alone. It has been a year since I arrived at the Amstel Station early in the morning, with two bags.. and a crumpy guy by my side. I was lost, I had no idea what am I doing, how will I manage my life here. I had a head full of ideas, but not my ideas. My heart was breaking, my body and heart were screaming ''love means sacrifices!'' but my mind was louder than that. Thanks to God, my sister and her husband I got out from the worst, most toxic relationship ever.. And then I slowly started to build everything up. I began to set some achievements for the future. And oh my dear Lord, I would never say that I will reach them so fast. Year ago I had nothing besides some dreams that I was certain, not gonna come true. I had to bend my knees and admit that I was wrong, that I never really loved that guy, because it is impossible to share a feeling like that with a sociopathic personality. I cried my eyes out.. But I resurrected. I became stro...

And overbored. Recently I've been doing a lot, so having a free afternoon for myself is a really strange vision. Not to mention 2 free of work upcoming days. Tomorrow I need to wake up early to make an appointment with my doctor, I will see am I going to succeed with that but besides.. I have totally nothing to do. Everybody seems to be busy as well, so I don't count on going out. Money is also an important issue now so.. no funny things. It's me, myself.. and Nancy. But she's quite a chaotic companion, so I give her a lot of freedom to do whatever she wants. I still miss something, some passion. I achieved everything so fast and now my temporary ''to do list'' is getting to an end. Sure I've got some bigger dreams but not now, later. Nancy <3 I think I just wish to know how are you.