Wake up call.

I know that I have a great life. I'm healthy, I'm surrounded by great people and live in a great city. I earn money which let me afford small pleasures.
Why am I sad then?
Afterall I feel that something is holding me back from reaching out for the everyday-unconditional smile.
It's almost like.. I don't mind being sad because I know it so well.
And honestly, that's a bit scary.. I don't want people to think that I'm strange because I divide smiling into fake and real one, and strangers don't know the real one.
I can fake it so easily that I'm afraid to forget how to smile truthfully.

Yesterday I talked with my best friend. We talked a lot about him, me, about our fears. We talked about how afraid I am to make a mistake, because I don't want to ruin anything.
Well.. He opened my eyes to some things.
I become to believe that we turn to be perfect when we start being ourselves. If you show people around what you do and how you do just because this is the real you, you become authentic. We start doing the things we like without feeling ashamed, when we don't feel the fear of being outsiders anymore- we become unique. That's what I got from the conversation. And one importatnt thing- to start doing things just for myself. The ones that I want, without fear that someone might not like it.

Good talk, with good wine, food and cigarettes. And then big explosion of passion and love.
Oh my God, I can´t even think about it, get too excited immidately.
That´s a subject for a whole other post.

After all of that I feel very different from yesterday. More confident about the future.
Because I know that even if I don´t have a plan, I will manage anyway.
I am me, I am who I decide to be.
And I can be anything I want.