Kindness.
Aside from those days I wouldn't say I am very moody. Yes, I am being quiet for most of the time and it is a tad bit irritating to be hearing 'Alicja, you're awfully quiet today, is everything alright?' but I know that, first of all, people might be asking me that question out of sheer concern and secondly- I have been dealing with myself for over 25 years now and yes, truth is that I am a quiet person.
So it's all under control, I am just being myself.
But I am losing my point here!
I went to the cinema today to see 'The Lady in the Van' and it gave me a lot to think about.
About what? Kindness.
Like I have mentioned already, I don't consider myself very chatty, outgoing nor am I ever the life of the party. I am neither deliberately rude unless I want to pinch someone who's up one's own ass.
But today I realized that I am not really kind either. And that bothers me.
So this film I went to see today tells a story of an old lady who is living inside of her own van. As you might imagine it is not very sane nor sanitary and there is that constant issue of moving the van from one parking spot to another, looking for more or less a permanent one.
We all met at least one crazy old lady in our lives. One of many that I have came across and perhaps the craziest of all of them was the crazy cat lady who lived up the hill and scared all of the neighborhood children away. She must have had about 20 cats (although back in the days my friend swore that there were about two hundreds of them in her apartment!) and we would pass by her place everyday going home from school.
The other day we found her feeding some cats outside. One of the kittens seemed to be drawn by our presence and it ran toward us. All of the kids kept on walking. But not me, I could never resist a kitten! I stopped and waited for it to come closer to pet it. As the cat approached me the cat lady began walking in my direction. I didn't expect her to do much besides some crazy talking maybe but boy, was I wrong! The woman had this infuriated look on her face and as she was close enough, she grabbed me by my hair and made it clear that 'no one is allowed to touch her cats' ('her' cats, you het it?!). All other kids burst into laughter and just when I was about to start crying the lady let go of my hair and I was free to run away. Yes, of course, kids made fun of me for the rest of the week and I asked my mom is there another way to get to school, other than passing by the crazy cat lady's place.
Sure, I didn't really enjoy that encouter as it left me embarassed in front of all the kids but I couldn't do much about it. As a child I also didn't care for the other side of the story, from that moment on I was happy when someone would prank the woman. I didn't know much about her, none of us did. But we knew she was living alone, she's been wearing same clothes everyday (either one and only outrift or a whole bunch of same- looking ones) and was always surrounded by an army of cats. Sometimes she would scream something at us and the boys would laugh or throw something at her.
And then again, why did they do that? Why did we care about her outfit so much? Who cares she had a bunch of cats? I mean, OK, as a kid you have not too much going on in your head so you make shortcuts and snap judgements. But watching that movie today made me realize that although we're not kids anymore, we still make a lot of those way-too-quick judgements.
I find myself very lucky and in a priviliged position. I do struggle with bills sometimes, I am making a lot of effort not to end up as a shift leader at a job that is nowhere near my passion (I think it's best both for me and for my potential co-workers), my left arm still hurts from time to time as a reminder of falling down all the way to my rock bottom (I love how literal it is!) and my parents are officially not talking to me with no further notice.
I could sit and cry about all of that. I could but I won't because I have lots of love in my life (handfuls, I mean), I am healthy (both my legs and arms are fine enough to let me run marathons and lift bags at work), I have a job which is not very demanding and lets me pay my rent until I finally become a full time writer (that's what I tell myself, you've heard me Universe!), I live in The Netherlands where the economy is much better than in my home land, I have a wonderful apartment all to myself (and Bo) where I can arrange my free time the way I like it, invite my friends and family over for dinners, talks and drinks. I have people I care for and who care for me and with some of them I am not even bonded by blood which makes the connection way more valuable.
What else could I possibly ask for?
Nothing. That is more than enough. And that is why I consider myself lucky and priviliged.
Now, think about all the people who aren't as lucky. People who had it and lost it, people who live in war zones, who have no access to water or food on a regular basis, people who lose their loved ones, one by one in awful war crimes or due to famine. It's not happening on another planet, it is happening just around the corner. And we are complaining that it's the same thing for lunch everyday in the canteen? We are complaining the food is too salty and go on about how we wouldn't even feed our dog with it? We are complaining our TV's ain't big enough? We are complaining we can't afford iPads for our kids? We are complaining that the queue at the supermarket is too long and cashier too slow?
How about we take a moment here to take those sticks out of our asses and appreciate what we have a little more? How about we show that crazy old lady some respect because apparently, once upon a time, years ago in the past she was just like one of us and then something went wrong?
Don't we just love making jokes about fat people? Or nowadays, since it's so hype to be 'in love with yourself' (even if you're 100kg overweight), we love making jokes about the skinny people, too! It's never good enough for us, fat, skinny, black, white, tall, short, old, stinky, hipster, gay, trans, old fashioned, addicts, abstinents, athletes, Jews, poor, rich, single, married, mother of 3, owner of a hamster at an adult age etc. The list goes on and on.
We all pretend to be so tolerant but as soon as one's back is turned we can't wait to make a remark!
I grew up in Poland, between two blocks of flats. No place is more judgemental than that. Neighbors got a new car? They must be Jews or stole the money! Neighbor from flat 14b is cycling to work instead going by car? Uh-huh, he must be having financial issues! The elderly couple from the top floor is wearing sneakers..? At that age?! Ridiculous, they must be out of their minds!
Then I came to The Netherlands where at first it seemed that no one cared. It's a country where overweight women are not afraid to wear white leggings instead of actual pants and where gay pride is one of the biggest events of the year. But here the judgments and comments happen behind closed doors. People are very good at pretending that 'nothing can shock us, it's Amsterdam for God's sake! We're so open- minded and tolerant!', but it turns out that gossips and sharp remarks are just as common as in my home country. As soon as you leave the room the one who gave you a pat on your back will joke about your outfit, accent, questions, ideas etc. (Netherlands, don't get offended, it's not about you only, it's happening all over the world apparently).
I know I am not saying anything revolutionary here but every each one of us has a story. Even the people who come up to me at work with an attitude, they all come from somehwere. And I have to admit that maybe sometimes I am being too impatient. That sits in my character but it's no excuse. People who are trying to shake you off your balance by being rude- I am not telling you to give them a hug because I wouldn't do it myself, but I am beginning to think that responding with an attitude won't get you far. I have heard it all before but only now am I really understanding it. Some say 'don't judge a book by its cover' some say 'stop being a bitch'. I say, remember that everyone has a story.
So the man on the metro who stinks as if he just got out of a pig fight crashed next to you. He might be a war veteran. He might be a talented painter. He might be a relative of someone very well known. But something happened in his life that put him next to you on that metro, smelling awfully bad. Again, I am not saying you should patiently sit next to him until the end of the line if there are other seats available. But don't be that easily disgusted. Don't assume he's a loser- alcoholic who's mistakes brought him where he is now. You have no idea what happened in his life, so why not shutting up about it and simply being on your best behavior in that situation?
As I am writing this post I feel somehow ashamed of all the times when I looked down on someone and made a joke about him/her in my head. Sure, irony is a big part of my character but I need to watch out with it because it's fairly easy to let yourself get carried away. Irony is one thing but judging people and acting unpleasant because somehwere deep down inside you think you're better, funnier, cleaner, richer, more educated, prettier, more popular etc., that's more disgusting that a smelly homeless person.
What about being actually kind to each other? Not fake- kind, not forced- kind, not over the top- kind but just simply kind. Listen to others, be genuine, help out if we can, show appreciation and interest in something else than ourselves. Be less judgemental, be less of consumers who want to get, buy and have more and more (and then a little more again), stop putting our noses where they don't belong.
I know, it is very idealistic, so you might say. But is it, really?
To me kindness seems to be the first step to major changes in our lives. This is where it all could begin and from where we could start walking into the direction of living like actual human beings where not everything is about 'me, me, me'. Where we are all equal. You could say it's not going to work because then everyone would have to live that way. Uh-huh, very convenient. Why don't you start with yourself and encourage people to show a little faith too? They might laugh or they might actually see some sense in that and while we won't change the world withing a day of work, we are able to work towards something. One by one, step by step. An act pf kindness followed by another one.
Being kind doesn't cost you anything but might have huge benefits, for yourself and others.
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