Good times, bad times.
The water for the tea has boiled. I am a little lazy to walk over to the kitchen to pour it into a cup but there is no other way to make the tea so I'm making my way over to the kitchen counter. As I am making this effort a sigh escapes my lungs.
I didn't really let it out deliberately, it just happened. But I am not paying attention to it. From the whole selection of fine tea's that I have managed to gather I choose a herbal tea. My metabolism sucks so I am being a good girl and just like my doctor advised me I am drinking one herbal tea a day to boost my body's abilities to digest properly.
As I walk back to the couch Bo, the cat, makes its way to the bedroom for some alone time, I assume.
After I find a comfortable position to sit I get a flashback. It's my mother screaming at me hysterically. It's just a flash, I only see her screaming and waving her hands but I can't hear a word. I recall when was that and why was she screaming but this flash disappears just as quickly as it made its appearance. A change over without a cigarette burn.
I pick up a collection of short stories by David Sedaris which I have received from my boyfriend as a gift for Valentine's Day. I take a moment to appreciate his presence in my life. I think about those lovely mornings when I make the breakfast for the two of us and we talk over a coffee about anything that crosses our minds. I think about how nice he looks in his glasses and shirt, sipping that coffee and smiling at me kindly.
I begin to read a new story and then again, I see my mother screaming and my father holding her back. I shake my head, look around the room and find myself alone. It's peaceful and it's quiet, the sun outside is heading down, it's about to set. I take a sip from my cup and continue reading.
For a second I get distracted by trying to make up my mind whether to run tomorrow morning or to take another day off since my right knee hurts a bit. In the end I tell myself to wait with the decision until tomorrow and go back to the book. I take another sip of my tea and suddenly I feel a bit hungry. Not really 'hungry', it's just that I remembered I bought new oat cookies in that biological market on the corner and I am very excited to try them out. They seem to be low in fat and in calories, yet look tasty!
Right when I'm about to turn the page my mother is making a scene again. This time not only do I see her and my dad holding her back, I also hear her screaming in an angry voice. What were the exact words? I would like to say that I don't recall anymore. But those words are imprinted in my memory just like that tiny crocodile logo on each Lacoste polo shirt.
I push that image into the back of my head and go on with reading. I am happy about this book as it is very convenient that those stories are that short. I like to think that 'one story a day keeps the doctor away'. I tell myself to remember to take it with me when we go together with my boyfriend to Maastricht for a night in April. I am drifting away thinking about the road trip when my mother reappears in front of me again.
It was when I was 8 years old, my sister has just moved out and out of sheer boredom and curiosity I've been calling sex hot lines, not really to prank those ladies but to see what's the fuzz about since there were so many adverts of those hot lines on the last page of the TV guide we've been buying every week. One thing I didn't know as a kid was how much they were charging for a minute of talking with them ladies and so I got my parents an enormous telephone bill.
I am 8, standing in the hallway, my mother has just found out it was me who was calling those hot lines (naturally she suspected my brother of it). She starts shaking, then yelling and in the end waving her hands in the air as if she's gone mad. Then she looks at me, screams some more and all I will ever remember from that yelling is '...and that little whore has been dialing those numbers for fun!'. Nor will I ever forget her finger pointing at me right when she dropped the words 'little whore'. She was hysterical, my father had to hold her in order to calm her down.
I went to my room where I couldn't even bring myself to tears as my mother's words were echoing in my brain.
I am sitting on the couch with the book wide open on my lap. I am holding it but I am looking beyond it. Few seconds later I realize I am staring at the wall with my mouth half open. I look down, close the book and notice the sun has already set and it's dark outside. Just like I did on my way to the kitchen, I sigh once again. I have so many great things to look up to, so much is happening now, like that university application, my relationship, evenings with a book and a tea, planning city trips together with my boyfriend and yet, I can't seem to enjoy it the way I wish that I could.
I really thought it will be easier to forget about my parents while there is so much love and beauty in my life. Unfortunately it turns out that it's not that simple for the sun to be shining out of my ass these days. I am getting a lot of flashbacks from the past, things that were particularly hurtful and it's all I can think of when I bring the image of my father and mother to my mind.
I am way beyond being positive about our situation. Dear people will tell me 'Ah, that is really difficult but just give it some time and you will see, sooner or later you will resolve it with your folks'. The thing is, people who are surrounding me might be the dearest but they don't know how deep this cut is. So each time I hear words of consolation I am grateful but am ready to answer 'No, we will never solve anything' but I don't say it out loud, I just smile and nod because it's easier than explaining why I never had and never will have a 'normal' relationship with my parents.
I am working on changing my mindset since it is sure my parents will never change theirs. But I need to allow myself to be gloomy from time to time. I can't push it to the back of my head and pretend the issue is not there. I already did that once and it ended up with a broken collarbone, a diagnose for 3 addictions and an eating disorder on top of it all.
I am not going to dismiss the good and undergo depressive moods, that is not going to happen. I have things on my schedule I need to take care of. Every day is filled with many different tasks and pleasures. But it might be that right when you'll be telling me about the evening plans you have made with your parents, my smile will fade a little because in my mind I will be 1200km away.
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