So it goes, the story continues.
But then life happens, events occur at an incredibly fast pace and I fail to keep my promises.
Recently I cannot promise anything to myself so how could I make any promises towards anyone else?
We have waved 'goodbye' to the year 2015 and I have to say that for once the year (although not the easiest one, actually the most difficult I have ever experienced) has ended in peace and with promises of greater things to come. The past 3 New Years Eves were not really nights to remember. There has always been drama involved, arguments, misunderstandings leading to tears and as you can imagine it is not the best way to greet the New Year ahead of us.
But here is a funny thing. These past 3 years I translated in my head as 'the times of my life'. I have been living on the edge, where the curtains fall. An edge between my true self and my emotions. My true self didn't understand many things that I've been doing while following my emotions.
Emotions are berautiful but only when you expose them to people who can understand them and simply take them as they are or even better- when you share your emotions and your loved ones give you a feedback including their own emotional state.
But if you are crying your eyes out and all you get is eyes rolling at you- you should stop, right there.
I didn't understand that so I've been putting myself out there while others were reminding me that I simply have to keep on going. I was, I always move forward, but back then I was also trying to push forward a lot of things which actually shouldn't bother me, and those things were heavy. It is no work for one person only, it is no work for emotionally damaged human being.
So I was really surprised to discover that in the moment I let go- the whole world started moving at an amazing speed but in the right directions at last. Suddenly I have realized that I broke free and now, only now, 'the times of my life' are about to start.
The end of the year was one big test on how will I turn things around for myself. I could make a whole list of great improvements that took place but it all comes to one thing- people.
Surrounding yourself with the right people, trusting your instincts about new people that cross paths with you, being good to the ones you care for so you will always feel they care for you, too.
Friends, family and sometimes even strangers I met on my way and decided to join a conversation with them- these people helped me fight my addictions (still fighting but I'm doing better every day), these people reasurred me that it's fine to seek beauty (and I've been told during the past years that beauty is useless), that it is fine to cry, that it is fine to drag my bedsheets from the bedroom and settle on the couch in the living room if I have a flu, that it is absolutely normal to have deviations and fetishes (let me remind you, year 2014-2015; the year of 'one position only' and 'the neighbors might hear us').
So like I've already said, choosing to stay in touch with the 'right' people is essential. Sometimes you have this urge to stick with someone no matter what, because you have that one important reason to do so. And you give and give until the point where there is nothing left from you because you have given so much to the ones who could never do the same for you. You also need to consider that maybe those people never asked you to give so much. But they also didn't say 'no' while receiving.
It is important to figure out your relationships with others when you're a 'giver'.
It is crucial to learn how to live alone, to make rules for yourself and apply them when someone is joining you. It makes you complete, it makes you understand that if you decide to spend Friday evening on a couch with a book it does not have to mean you're a boring person. All of a sudden you realize that you are able to make the same delicious dinner using cheaper ingredients than the ones from fancy BIO market. Also, that you won't get buried in dust if you don't vacuum clean for one damn day. I am not saying that if you have a habit of eating stuff you picked from your nose you should do it everywhere you go because it means 'you're in touch with yourself'. You know, consider leaving your snots at home, but as soon as you enter the place after a hard day at work- go lay on the couch and dig it! No one is watching!
I ended 2015 in a very unexpected way. Total improvisation mixed with trust and good will, surrounded by lovely people, fireworks and that present-all-around happy haze.
It was beautiful and I want to stick to those feelings of spontaneity and sincerity.
There is nothing as important as being authentic, that way you don't lie to yourself, don't lie to others and make only true friendships.
I have grand plans for the upcoming year from which one that is standing out is most definitely taking up Literature and Society programme at the University of Amsterdam.
I need to take care of my future because so far I've been standng by and trying to keep up with all other events that were ocurring around. Don't get me wrong- I was busy the whole time. But I was keeping myself busy with all the wrong things.
I try to write this post comparing the past year with plans for the new one and it might seem like I'm making some kind of resolutions. That can be, but it is more about timing in my life rather than the calendar year itself.
Most of my issues have been solved right before the end of the year and a lot of great things started happening right after the New Year began, so I would say I might have resolutions, but I think of them as resolutions for the future, not necessarily for the 2016.
I can only hope that I've learned my lessons well and although I will be still making mistakes, that those mistakes won't cost me as much as they did in the past.
It is all up to me and that weird, almighty power of the skies above us.
[I do however intend to write more here. I always keep hundreds of notebooks but since everyone is entitled to share whatever they want on the internet (infinite amount of baby/wedding photos or 'best prank ever' videos) I am going to annoy you with my thoughts on a Saturday night. It will gest nasty though, because I've got some things I need to say. Nah. Just joking. A bit. Maybe.]
xoxo
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