Everything is temporary.

Kurt Vonnegut

Life itself is! The funny thing is, we have no idea how much time are we given on this planet. I can only hope to grow as old as my grandma, who passed away at the age of 99 (and that woman smoked cigarettes all her life!). She survived the II World War which as we learned from history books is quite an achievement and it seemed that it only made her stronger. Wonderful person. Huge sense of humor, very warm but also rational and distanced from all the small life- drama.
So, as I was saying, I do hope to live that long because I've been here in this world for 25 years already and I am beginning to feel that I should use any second of my present life to develop, evolve and explore. I've been procrastinating for way too long and while it is ok to give yourself a break, I sense that up until now I've been putting too much focus in the wrong places.

I wouldn't say that I have wasted any of my time, that would be a very unfair statement. Whatever I did I apparently was meant to do, but most definitely I stressed too much about issues and matters which aren't as important as they seemed at the time. Sure, it is all about perspective, I didn't see it back then but I see it now and without making any promises I would like to work on my mindset.

What is important? Well, I don't want to make it sound egoistic but.. I am important. I have barely ever put myself in the first place and I should know better than that given that since August I've been on my own. Being alone is one of the greatest gifts I could have asked for. I did not ask for it myself but apparently the Universe got tired of waiting for me to take action and it took action for me.
At first it was difficult because I got so used to doing everything together with my partner that I couldn't imagine doing all of that on my own. But I underestimated myself..

After I've been left alone I dedicated myself to doing whatever it is that I need to do to learn to get by. And I was getting by for a while, but it's only very recently that I felt good about putting my needs first. The need to stay in on a Friday night to finish reading a book, the need to eat a nasty deep freeze pizza instead of cooking, because hey, I simply don't feel like cooking. The need and hunger for education which pushed me towards applying for the University, the need to read and to explore subjects that I want to read about. The need to meet my best friend instead of chasing after guys or being chased by guys. Don't get me wrong, I love men, like I've said before they fascinate me because of very different views on life from what ladies have in mind. And I do think there is a chance for me to get involved, but it will mean that my expectations are a bit higher. Not that a man needs to do everything from my 'perfect guy' list (as I do not own one like that). It is more that I see patterns more clearly now and as far as there is no equation for a relationship I am very strongly aware of what I can't stand and my temper grew shorter. If something does not click I am very fast to point it out. My time is very valuable and I like to choose wisely how to spend it.
I need space for myself, for inspiration, I need room for my creative endeavours. I need a clear mind from the early morning hours until late evening when I finally allow myself to sit back and relax with some nice music or a movie. I need to get my shit done otherwise I feel like I'm not working towards my goals.
I have a lot more energy than before and I want to spend it in the best possible ways. Again, don't think that I am a 'free-time Nazi', that I don't let any fun or laziness into my schedule.
Oh, I do, of course I do. But I can't have it every day, I try to balance it so that I have the feeling of getting things done with love and devotion (or in sweat and tears when it doesn't come easily on a certain day) but also reward myself, treat myself to a little something once work is done.
That mindset helped me with fighting my 'addictions'. I didn't face them deliberately, it happened itself when I started putting more attention to things that make me happy and only then I've noticed that I enjoy spending time on my creativity way more than I 'wasting' it getting drunk or stoned. Or running after guys. Maybe my body gets something out of it, or my mind (addictions are a good tool to numb yourself and to forget, for a while at least), but my soul does not, and I think that my soul also needs to be nourished properly.

I began to like that girl who all of a sudden felt a whole fresh wave of motivation and inspiration. I like it how she takes time to read every day, I like to see her writing even if sometimes all that comes out of it is pure crap. I like to see her being more careful with money. I like to see how she got in touch with her needs. I like to see her surrounded by true friends and family, I like how she deals with people who are not neccesarilly an insightful addition to her life. I like to hear her saying 'yes' to things she wants so much that she fears them. I like to hear her saying 'no' and sticking to it when she's absolutely convinced in her heart that it is the right choice. I like her plans, ideas and dreams and I want to support her. That girl came a long way and I want to be there for her.

I guess what I am trying to say is that being authentic is one of the most important values for me right now. It doesn't mean you have to be totally open and honest, even with strangers. No, because probably there are things which you should keep for yourself or for your dear ones only. Being authentic is something different though. It means to remain yourself under any circumstances, it means not to be afraid or ashamed of whatever it is that is blooming inside of you.

You are the one and only, special edition and like I've said at the beginning of this post- you are here only for a limited amount of time. So stop worrying about people that left you behind or the ones you will have to leave behind. Stay true to yourself with all kindness that you can accumulate and you should feel free as a bird. Even if you're in a relationship! It only means that you will let your partner see clearly from the beginning what you're up to, so there won't be any drama later. Well, ok, there still might be drama, that's just how life is. But at least you will be at peace with yourself, your true colors will shine bright. So don't go wasting another moment pretending someone you're not. It might work for a while, just as my dear and weird Lana Del Rey puts it 'lies can buy eternity' but in a long run you're not getting anywhere with this kind of approach.

Go, do what you love, what makes you happy, what makes you feel good. It doesn't mean that you have to do only 'nice' things for yourself, because, let's face it, there is your day job that you need to show up at even if it's not your dream career, there are bills you ned to pay but which you naturally hate, there are appointments you're not looking forward to. But trust me (yeah, right, trust me, I am 25 and figured it all out!) if you have something in your life which you love and can do with devotion- the rest will follow. All your chores you will treat with a different approach. Because you will know that no matter how hard it can be, there is that one thing that always brings you joy. It can be a person, a hobby, a passion, vocation, a meal, any ritual etc.

Just let some love in and do it now, it won't wait for you for ever.


Thanks for reading!