Ground Control to Major Tom
I don't understand the concept of life. Not entirely. I have a feeling like there is something special that still needs to happen because I can't and don't want to believe that I've been brought to this world (not to mention- by an accident) just to eat, sleep, shit and arrive at work on time. It simply can't be it. Not with the way that I see the world and how I experience every day life. People I speak with, conversations we have, things that are happening around me. There must be more to that. And I am tired of waiting, I am so done with sitting by the window, looking at the tree in the backyard and wondering how many more changes of seasons have to come for something to happen.
Don't get me wrong, recent events have proved me right. Life can get much more intense and complex than I would ever dare to imagine. This year is really crucial. I think I am turning into a woman. Until now I was this scared little girl who wouldn't open her mouth if she would get tea instead of coffee which she asked for. I think a break up I went through 5 months ago had a lot to do with that. While still in a relationship I couldn't imagine my life without the guy I was with. When he broke up with me and proudly mentioned he has also cheated on me (more than once) all I wanted was to beat the shit out of him. I wished him the worse. I would be happiest if he would fall of a cliff and die in agony. I hated him. Especially for laughing in my face after I asked did he use a condom with the other girl or was it simply that he fucked me, fucked her and then came back home to fuck me some more.
Disgusting. Anyhow, now that the time has passed I am actually thankful for him telling me 'I can't stop wondering how my life would look like without you'. Hey, thanks man!
Since June so much has changed. First of all, I started to value my 'alone' time. My apartment looks the way I like it, I play the music I like loud and proud, I cook whatever I want and whenever I want, I can invite whoever I want at any time of the day and I let that funny little mouse run around the kitchen in search of bread crumbles. No one tells me to be quieter while enjoying sex (because good God, the neighbors might hear it!) and there is much more variety to it. Spoon position is the one I never actually perform anymore, and sadly, before, it used to be the only one for more than a year.
I see endless possibilites and I am not afraid to be impulsive. Speaking my mind is no longer an issue. Dressing up for smallest occassions is a pleasure and not an embarassing process of someone poking you with their ideas of how you should look ('flowery leggings, that would look great on you!'..).
No wait, no. I am not becoming an extreme feminist who thinks all men are evil and I can do without them. I mean, I can do without them but I don't want to. Men are very interesting creatures and while they can be very mysterious I want to learn more of them. I also think I get on with them better than with most women, especially with those who have a passion and have something to say. Women, even if they have a passion, they very often tend to let emotions be more important than their thoughts.
It also doesn't mean I am whoring around with a different guy each night (mom, really, I'm not). I enjoy male companion but when I go for a guy, I usually go for just one at a time.
And really, not whoever. If I can't have a conversation with someone, I won't be able to communicate in bed either. And how crazy it is that sometimes you look for some fun and you find so much more. I never asked for this but it happened, it is happening and I would be an awful liar to deny I like it. And I was scared at first but I am beginning to see that being myself is all I will ever have to offer. Wanna take it? Wow, very cool.
I am not the most enthusiastic person in the world. I like being melancholic sometimes. I like drama and sadness. I love irony and sarcasm. I like double meanings. I am a romantic but with a dirty mind. If you talk to me about this cute bag designed by this-and-that I guarantee you, I won't be listening but will still response as if I am. I have no trouble performing tasks I hate with a smile on my face, although I curse under my nose if the paper gets jammed in the printer. I don't mind spending Friday evening on my couch, with a glass of whisky, watching a movie by myself. I wish I'd already be older. But I want to do so many things that I am glad to have time still. I like drinking. Alcohol. Something that calms me down, makes me wild or is a perfect background to social encounters. I don't do drugs. Not hard drugs. But I did take up smoking cigaretters instead of continuing with jogging 4 times a week. Oh well, I'll never be an athlete now, future ruined.
P.S. Tell my wife I love her very much- she knows.
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