Change of seasons

I am sitting here on the couch in my living room, sipping from a half full glass of water. It is a gray day, it is raining and the wind seems to be announcing the autumn is here to stay. The window is open and all the sounds coming from the streets hit my ears. An ambulance passing by, the trams, the planes flying over our heads. I also recognize all the sounds from the staircase; neighbors coming home after day at work, neighbor from upstairs taking his dog for a walk. No, I didn't do too much today, not physically. Although I let myself spend the day on different sorts of reflections.
I look at the images outside of the window and they do not seem very welcoming. The wind blows hard and it shakes the leaves off from the tree, so it will be naked soon. I noticed a half- open window in an empty apartment across the backyard. There is a gray curtain in the window and it's dancing thanks to the wind coming inside. I would say it's a rather sad dance. The curtain would love some rest, that's for sure. Dear wind, let it just hang there and play its role, it looks as if it's exhausted by flying up and down, being pushed to the sides. Or may someone close that window, please.
I try to play music but sad music seems to be too sad even for this kind of weather and upbeat music doesn't fit at all.
I went through my old notebooks in search of inspiration or rather in search for some universal truths that remained although situation has changed. I found a great piece but it's in polish and I don't think that translating that would work well for the text.
As I go on I find some wanabe poems, full of anger and sadness.

               

I have no memory of writing this, neither do I know what was I referring to.

That makes me think how unimportant some events are. Right in the moment, when it's all happening you think it is the biggest drama you will have to face in your life. Then, 3 years pass by and you can't even recall what were you upset about.
There are some pieces I do know almost by heart, when I go back to them I feel as if I would be in that exact same situation all over new.
So I think I should be first of all be able to sense if something is worth worrying or not while it's happening. It would save me a lot of trouble if I could just recognize it and instead of holding onto it, simply let go and go on living my life.
Recently, so many times I've been proven that some things are just not worth spending energy on. Like I've mentioned few posts ago, I have that tendency to overthink. But then again, over the past few weeks many events took place, a lot of unexpected ones, ones that made me take the decision qucikly, simply trusting my instinct. Some impulsive actions, following my heart instead listening to my brain and imagining 'what would the people say'.
I changed my mind from day to day about a class I was about to take. I was really scared because the first thing I chose seemed like a very good idea, something I could build up in the future, with time. Also I already advertised it among my family and friends and all other good people on social media, so backing out of it sounded to me like some could think I don't know what I want.
I wasn't sure can I allow myself to change my mind so instantly.
But I came to my senses. No. No. That's not the way to go after something you really want.
Thinking of what would your parents say instead of chasing your dreams, really?

I got very inspired by some wonderful people I've met over the past few weeks.
I was talking with regret about how my parents never had the money to invest in my education (of any sort) and how now it's already too late. People I've been talking to immediately started to shake their heads saying 'It's never too late'. And you know, I might seem to be stupid at times but I'm really not, so I did recognize that they were saying it because they think so, not because they want to make me feel better. Why would they? We were not any close friends, just a bunch of people sitting at the bar, talking about anything that crosses our minds.
And so, the other day I woke up and thought to myself:  'I know what I want to do and I need to do it now'. Like I have no time to waste anymore, the time is now and I have to roll.
Such a true feeling, my intuition was simply hitting the 'yes!' bar, my body got relaxed and my mind excited. I immediately signed myself up for two courses, a Meisner Technique acting class starting November and Theatre class starting in February. I know it will cost energy, time and also money (if anyone wants to donate money- please fell free!), but I have never been this weirdly excited about something. I also had to swop my shfts around to be able to begin with the acting class but I swear to Gods- there is absolutely nothing in this world that can stop me now. This is important, this is me and this is my small creative genie working on making my very humble wishes come true.
I am a crazy person because I believe in the power of the Universe but the Great Universe seems to be believing in me as well. You have no idea how much I owe it lately. I get what I want but only in the terms of the things which are apparently good for me. So if something doesn't work out I probably knew already that it's not what I should be fighting for.
I am fighting for bunch of things now and as much as I care for many wonderful people around me- I put myself first. Maybe not myself, but my passions and desires.
I am in need of being among people who think alike but not necesarilly have the same opinions, I long for long evenings filled with meaningful or simply abstract conversations, I aim for being true to myself no matter what the situation is however this one is tricky. I can't stand being nice only because the situation or my position demands that from me. Because of the society. I always end up being the one who has to stay calm in order to do a good job and preferably calm others down, too. Who has to stop her mouth from saying what her mind screams because it's a big 'no-no'. Now, well, screw that. I need something real. Real people who smile when they're in a good mood and who curse when they are pissed. Fuck, piss, shit.
I want to be honest and straight to the point.

I guess there still are situations in which I can't find words but those situations don't actually require talking in the first place. Because you can say so much with your eyes and with a warm, sincere smile.. Or with dounts and a banana (long story). Romances that blow up your senses.
Nevermind! Must. Stop. Writing. Now.

So yes, I am full of energy and prepared for whatever it is that the Universe has in store for me.
And I repeat, when I really want something, nothing and no one can stop me. I will find a way to make it happen no matter what. Brace yourself.