Guess who's back. Back again.

As she sinks under a blanket everything falls into right place again. The hot tea is there to sooth her soar throat, blanket prevents her from cold, a book which she most likely won't read anyway is lying just next to the coffee cup on the side table, laptop is ready to provide entertainment. Everything in the right place, available if she only reaches out for it. Ah, great, let's light a cigare.. Damn it! Cigarettes are finished. It's cold outside. It's dark. She knows it very well that she shouldn't be smoking but oh well, let's just put sweatpants on and run downstairs to get a pack of Camels. 

I haven't been writing for a long time now. I mean, I have been but it's all in my notebooks. Recently and on several occassions people have been asking me if I'm still writing. Some said they miss my blog, some got to read it long time after I stopped with it and tell me that they had a blast reading it. Some still have no idea I'm writing. I am somehow not that dedicated to the idea of a blog as before. Before I thought I can make a change, I can say something in an innovative way, put a new light on some cases and that people will appreciate it. I believe I have been aiming a bit too high as all I really think of now is to honestly speak my mind. I will never get to those girls who care about their nail polish only, simply because they will never get to me to break my flow of thoughts.

And you know, not all of my friends, relatives, colleagues would appreciate some of my thoughts.

It has happened before already and I think one person in particular got very much offended (my bike had been stolen exactly the same day that person removed herself from my life. I don't believe in coincidences).

People take the truth hard, we not necessarily want to hear others opinions on matters which we are so sure of. And the worst that happens all the time is when I hear that bloggers are so lame, because, why can't they just keep a diary, why do they have to be so overwhelming by sharing their opinions?

Why why why..

I am not a very social person. I do like to have a nice conversation, a laugh, have fun from time to time. But you won't find me in a club. You won't hear me talking about hair extensions with other girls. I will not be jumping into a chit chat at the cashiers desk in a supermarket just because guy behind me buys the same yoghurt as me(2+1 GRATIS!). But then again- I do love to talk, I can talk for hours if I find someone who I can actually talk to. I will speak, I will listen, most likely over a glass of wine or whiskey, with some nice music in the background.

You can find me at home, just by myself, you can find me in a museum staring at my favorite piece and contemplating, you will find me in a bar with a Jameson, neat, listening to some live music (preferably jazz). 

I need an outlet for my thoughts as there are not so many people in my life I can actually talk for hours with. There is person A. who I like to talk to but who has that ability to interrupt and start talking about something totally different while I am hoping for some feedback on a question I brought up myself. There is person B. who I like to talk to but we usually get too drunk to handle any conversation. Person C. is in Poland and we can communicate only through whatsapp which is very very annoying, And last but not least there is person D. who I simply adore talking to because we can have an actual conversation.

I occasionally talk to my parents on Skype. It happens once in 2 months. We usually sit down for a 3-4 hour session and all I get to hear is my mom talking about the nieghbors/doctors/my siblings or I get to talk to my dad and listen to his news from the politics which I know nothing about. Although I am curious what is their opinion on the refugees..
Unfortunately it does happen that when I speak, very often I miss the right words. It really bums me out because I would love to make people understand what I really mean, how I feel about it, how I see it in my head. And very often I am afraid to speak the honest truth not to offend someone (or to lose my job). Also, it happens that I simply know that if I make the effort to go really deep the person talking to me will not know how to respond and we will end up talking about the weather.
When I talk to the mentioned above people I know I can be brutally honest, I can make a fool out of myself by lacking knowledge on some subject, I can use explicit language and we can both call each other 'stupid bitches' rather than 'silly gooses'.

My imagination is a stage where constantly something is happening. When people talk to me I have those visions of a different ending to their story, or I see it actually in a very satirical way. Sometimes for hours I think of different endings for one case. Sometimes I hear double meanings when they are not there. Sometimes people say things in a way that denies every single word that just came out of their mouth. As for example: 

Me - Hey XYZ, how is your internship going?

XYZ -Yes, it's great.. I just love running from the back to front and back again whenever I'm needed.. I like jumping in for others.. (all said with a sad/tired face, avoiding eye contact, finishing by staring distantly into own coffee mug).

I mean. I know you can't say you don't like it. It's fine.. But you can tell me! I will call you XYZ and write about it in a funny way in my memoir one day. We can have a real laugh, just trust me.
I always think that the best way to get to know people and what they really think is to give them around 3-4 drinks and ask them the most simple questions as for example 'so, how are YOU doing?'.
For sure I know that the answer will be totally different than when you spoke to them before during a coffee break. And I know that they will tell you much more than you expect.

To sum it up, I have a whole list of things I would like to write about, it all just came out of me yesterday evening and I do believe we will have some different opinions on them.

A lot has changed over the past 3 months which you will be able to figure out from 'in between the lines' and those experiences have affected my opinions quite a lot.

There were some sad and difficult moments, there was a transition and I think that at this point I am fine. I am still in search of my 'calling', but I know it will come, I am on it.

There are some pretty wonderful things going on too, you wouldn't believe! 

But you know, I don't want to list them as if they are some kind of throphees.

To finish off for now I will leave you with a quote from my all time favorite Kurt Vonnegut, which I believe applies to many of us who let the nice little thing(ie)s slip through our fingers unnoticed: