The 'oh God, you're so young' factor.

Recently I had no time to ask myself how am I doing these days. I've been simply pursuing my every day routines without giving it a single thought. Why? Well, mostly because I didn't have too much time for myself. And I still don't. I have given a lot of my attention to recent family events which have put me on an emotional roller- coaster, I was supporting my boyfriend during his wonderful adventure of creative processes(you're the best!), I also care for my non- writing related job, and also my health concerns me in a way that I don't want to speak of. I miss my friends, also the ones who I have here. It's like, I don't have 3 jobs, 5 children and major problems on my shoulders, and yet- I can't seem to find a way to make more time for myself and the rest.


This year for the first time I would like to skip Easter. I have been occupied with solving the idea of 'God' and although I didn't come up with anything revolutionary, I simply realized that it doesn't work for me. So what do I do now? I almost cry when I receive a card from my parents, who still wish me all the best because of Jesus Christ's resurrection. I told my mom in our recent 3- hour Skype conversation that I don't believe in any particular religiously- meant God anymore. Well, I could see it was hard for her. I wouldn't put her as an example of a God's child, but she considers herself one. And she raised all of us that way, so it has to be unbelievably hard on her. Yet, she sends me a card with an image of cute chickens and a huge 'Hallelujah' on the front.

My mind plays games on me in the terms of thinking about future. I am far from putting my whole life into agenda and scheduling it day by day, but I simply cannot stop thinking about some of its stages.
I am 24 and I don't realize it. Very often I catch myself thinking that I am just entering my 20ies.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I am considering it a crime and drama and freaking out about my age. No no, I still see how young I am. But I am also starting to see that I am getting anxious and impatient. When will my carrier kick off and what will it be, how long will I be doing what I can instead of what I long for, how much time I have before settling down, when will it happen, how will it happen, what am I doing wrong, when will my body look the way I want it to look, when will I become a 'woman' instead of being a girl, where should I go, what should I do, what should I learn, what is right for me, what is wrong, why am I so emotionally unstable, WHO AM I? And so on.
My boyfriend would probably get scared if he would read all those questions (Fuffo, I'm fine, but that's what's in my head at this moment) and I know how risky it is to put all of those concerns to public, but hey, I think it's better than to write about the weather (which sucks anyway).
I am afraid that I am not ready and then afraid that if I don't do something now, later will be too late. I am afraid I'm too young for what I look up to and then I get impatient that I don't have it yet. I feel immature and then I talk to people who are older and I'm afraid I'm too serious in comparison.
I am afraid I'm fat but then I find myself starving.
I feel I'm ready and then I drop it and run away feeling not good enough.

In any other occasion I would say ''damn girl, you're depressed, get some help'', but it's me and I know myself. I'm not even close to any mental issue, I am simply stuck for some reason I don't understand yet. And I will put it all together as I always do, but maybe at this moment I should stop and look my fears directly in the eye.

I have a huge imagination and I need to watch out with that, because sometimes it gives me images of my future life, which not necessarily are real.

At this moment I would like to have few days off, far from it all, spread my arms and embrace the world, shouting out to the universe 'I'm here, ready for whatever will come my way!'
I need to see clearly again, because my mind had been cluttered with fake problems and visions.
Issues that will never be resolved because people grew old with their habits.


It's a curse to be this young but old enough.
Maybe I'm trying too hard?

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