'Round my hometown..

Drawing I got from Laura for my birthday
(yes- that's me next to the rainbow)

Everybody has family issues. I am not going to tell you how bad my childhood was, because as far as I'm concerned it was O.K. I was born in my mother's 40's, totally unexpected and absolutely not planned. Someone would say 'a mistake'. I'm saying 'a surprise'. I grew up among adult people as I came so late. I spent a lot of time playing alone, as other kids didn't like my attitude of 'a small- grown- up'. That's fine too, because besides the mean kids from the block, I had few friends that I could get on with. As a child I didn't actually have too many holidays trips, family getaways. I had my notebooks in which I was writing down every dumb thing since I was 7 years old. I had dolls and cars, Sailor Moon comic books, Cartoon Network and TCM in english only (yes, that's how I've learned the language). My mom and dad were amazing people. Dad was working hard and barely there, always too excited about politics to notice what's really important. My mom.. very demanding and expecting favors for each things she has done for someone else. I had my brother which back then also had his issues, but who after all these years I admire so much, more than he knows. I had my sister who was my idol, role model.. and then she moved to the Netherlands in the spirit of starting a better life.
It wasn't bad. I have a lot of amazing memories. Probably of my ability to turn all experiences into good ones, whatever they would be in reality. But years pass by and though (or maybe because) I am much happier than ever before, I start to see the flaws of the home- paradise.
I started to work when I was 16, always some extra- weekend- part time job, next to doing high school. Directly after graduating I had to find a job, full time job, because there was no way to go and study.
I got my parents so used to helping with paying the bills at home, that the vision of me, going studying and maybe them- having helping me financially, was so terrifying it was out of the picture.
Since I moved to the Netherlands, my parents visited once. Once. One goddamn time. And it would be all O.K. if they would give me a call every now and then or send me a nice email. No. All I get is this:
''When are you coming to Poland? Why are you never on Skype to talk to us? You know how hard we have it?'' and s on.
Well, I'm coming to Poland more often than any of them has been here in past few years. You think it's not expensive for me? My dad thinks, that we have it easier, because we live where we live, and they are in Poland. He thinks here it's so much better and easier to make a living. I am so sorry for my language, but fucking hell! Easier? Like with what? Some of my friends think the same, that it is easier for me to come to Poland then for them to come here. Never heard a bigger bullshit. Never. Fuck you, not true, that's a myth, get over it. Here it's even harder, because YOU are from OUTSIDE. You have to prove yourself every goddamn time, that you're worth it, that you can do it, and stay strong whenever you have it difficult. I am not living with mommy and daddy anymore. When shit comes down I have no way to knock on my mom's door and say ''it didn't work out, can I come back for a while?''. No. One big NO. So suck it up ad understand: it isn't easier in any possible way.
Why am I never on Skype mom? Well, let me think.. Oh yeah, I got it! I work, I have my own place to manage, I have a boyfriend with who I prefer to spend my afternoon instead of listening to my mother on Skype, who can talk only about what did neighbors buy recently and what did lady in the grocery store told her. My parents have it so hard recently, that they decided to renovate the whole apartment, but had not too much of a budget for it so they had to (think about that word: HAD to) ask bank for a loan. I mean.. We made the whole apartment nice and decent with our own hands and managed well enough not to get caught up on loans. Oh yeah, but we have it easier here, so what am I talking about..!
I can understand my parents made major mistakes when raising us up. That's fine with me.
But now they have grandchildren and it hurts me so much when I hear they didn't go to performance my niece Laura (daughter of my brother) invited them to because of grandparents day.
Look. Next to my sisters children, Laura is the most amazing little girl in the world. She has those blue eyes that almost pop out of her cute face, the blond hair which makes her look so innocent and a sharp tongue which impresses everyone. I've seen video from grandparents day from last year. It is a must- see thing. And when a cute little angel invites you to see it, you HAVE to go.
Fuck renovating the apartment, go see her dance and sing for you, it's a 30- minute drive for God's sake! They will not save up money to come here, see how my sister is doing after the divorce, how big and smart Kasia and Roy are now, how I manage the living along with my boyfriend. No. They have new furniture they have to pay up in rates now, so they will not go on holidays until my dad will retire, which will happen in 3 damn years. But still, my mom will tell me from time to time, that my friends for sure wished they'd have a mother like she is. Because few times she offered to make toasts with strawberry jam for me and my friends when they came over. ''I don't think you would get the same treatment from her mother, if you'd go to play there''- mom mom would say. Of course not, mom. Because all mom's from all of my friends were still working their asses of at your age. And don't tell me you had no health condition back then. You had a menopause, end of the subject.

Yes, I'm angry. I thought that if I 'd give myself one day to think it over, I will manage the subject better. No. You know why?
Last post was about how happy I am. And I am happier than I could imagine. Year ago I was a crying- depressed mess, ok? And I got out. I found a way. I had people who cared to help me with that and I started to see amazing things happening around me every single day. Then I started to appreciate them and ask life for what I need. And I'm getting it all, together with sending good energy back to the universe. Though I have issues with my parents, I'm still very happy. It's just that I need to remember that it's them who have no balance in life, not me.

But it's difficult to hold on to, when mom of Mattia stays in touch with me more than my own mother.
They know they can't screw around too much with me, because I have a sharp tongue and I'm not afraid to tell them what I think. We are a family, they are the people who brought me to this world. So as well as being respectful I think I am also entitled to be honest with them, right?
But some people are still afraid to tell them the truth. Or they don't do it ''not to ruin the relation, it's not worth it, they will never change''. Wait, what? You will never tell them what you really think because of that? Just not to have a war with them? It's not about war, it's about that they had it too easy with us the whole time. My God (which I don't believe in), you see it all and you let it be?! They always expected us to change for some reason, and I can't even wish for them to stop being so caught up on wrong things? Bullshit. Everyone has to work on themselves.

This is what I meant yesterday. We will visit Poland this summer together with Mattia. My great friend Lucyna is getting married and we're invited to the wedding. I can't wait for it, I want to let Mattia see with my eyes everything I love and hate about my hometown. I want to let him meet my brother and his two lovely- blond ladies. But I am afraid to let him meet my parents. I know they will try their best to behave, but I am afraid he will see something dysfunctional about our relation. And I am afraid to lose control and temper. This is not how I want it to be.

Guys, I am really sorry for such an angry feedback.
A lot of wonderful things happen too.
At work it's going better and better, I can't imagine all of it is happening so fast.
Mattia also achieved a success, but I promised not to tell until we will know for sure.
I started to eat healthier again, and shared a big embarrassing secret with Mattia, which helped me so much. I love that we can talk about everything and that I'm managing myself better.
I am going deeper into mysteries of Italian language and I'm having so much fun with that.

I love my life. I love it. I just wish that other people would love their life's as well.

xxx