Why so grumpy?

Experimental vision

So it's been a while again. I have to tell you, I am the master of over- thinking things. I had it very difficult last week. I didn't even know how to handle myself.
I was thinking about jobs that I've been doing until now, about the future, about my big passions which didn't turn out big yet. I got scared, that if I don't take control over my life and what I do, I'll end up doing something that I don't like. I am working since I turned 16. Weekend jobs, summer jobs, internships, first part time job, first full time job.. But I didn't get the chance yet, to do something I am crazy about. I've been writing articles for one website but I was too picky in their opinion I guess, so I stopped receiving assignments (all I did was making clear that MY name should be under MY articles).
So, like I said- I scared myself. Once more, I got that feeling that I'm 23, so I'm young enough to do something with my life, but- I have to start now. I don't want to wait until I'm reaching 30. I don't want to wake up one day and think 'I could do everything and I did nothing'.
Mattia calmed me down. He said the truth right in my face, which wasn't the easiest thing to hear but it was so necessary. He told me, that if I want to do something... I simply need to keep going, keep on moving, actually DO things instead of being afraid that I might end up doing nothing.
At first I felt offended. I mean.. I am doing things! I keep myself so busy, always. Even when I was in search of a new job, and actually could lay on my back the whole day, I was pushing things forward.
But I didn't spend too much of that time to take care of my passions. And it was the best time to do that.
After a while it got to me- I am capable of doing anything. I was always afraid to work in a restaurant because I thought I have no talent for that. Well, it's my third week in a restaurant and I keep on improving every day. Even if somebody has a different opinion- I don't care too much, because for me it's a challenge and I'm working hard to achieve what I want to. The environment, the people in the place you work- it all matters. In place where I've worked before there was too much of pretending. First of all, no way to climb up the ladder because everyone knew who is going where and is going to do what. Then, some people almost hated to work with each other, but still everyone was smiling. So you never knew if they're sincere or is it just a mask. On staff meetings no one ever had anything to say, but when it was finished gossips and rumors were showing again. There was sometimes nothing to do, but still we had to pretend there is. So in fact being a receptionist sometimes was turning into office cleaning/coffee making/breakfast helping jobs. And it's ok, I prefer to do something instead of watching the screen for 8 hours and having 10 check- ins. But then you hear from the office people 'there is always something to do'. Yes, but not in your field of work. And I already was the breakfast queen, so just drop it. Not to mention the knowledge of some colleagues.. I was not the smartest, hell no! But to be honest- I wasn't the dumbest either. Now I hear from some of my old colleagues, that if they'll have to keep doing the same job for next 6 months, they're going to lose their minds. Well, that's why I quit. No perspectives.
Anyways, I am aiming higher now. It's time to be honest with myself and my employers. I am happy where I am at the moment but I'm not saying I'm not looking for more changes. I am, constantly.
I'm in the clear, nothing to hide, nothing to run away from.
I really want to pump up the speed of my life. And to make it as the sentence says 'If you don't like something- CHANGE IT'. There is nothing you can't say 'no' to. Even if you feel it's way too far now to go back. It's never too late. Brave decisions need courage. But imagine how it feels to make that step! It's like.. you can do everything you want! So let's do it now!

I have so many projects in my head I want to let out. I'm also happy, to start to know people in the same interests area. It's so great to read what other people write and to talk about it. To search for ideas for great pictures, to play with your camera and suddenly discover, then create something unexpected.
To talk about ideas with people from other fields of art, like one great graphic designer that I know. He's doing things for himself now and it's a huge inspiration.
Where else could I develop myself so much, without even having expectations?

Christmas is coming and I am happy I have someone special to spend it with. Someone who cares whether we have a Christmas tree or not, what we'll out on the table and what kind of gifts will make us the most content. We already know and it's so great we agree on it.

I miss my family a lot. So much, especially around holidays like Christmas. It's hard to forget how would it be, to sit at home with everyone you love and share beautiful moments. But in one moment you realize.. that in a way, you're building a family, too. This is how it starts. This is exactly how it begins. So I feel blessed. With everything that comes. Even difficulties, they make me stronger. The beautiful things to enjoy, even if the don't last a lifetime- I am happy to go through them.
But still I am very excited to send Christmas cards to family and friends, I love this part!

December in Amsterdam means rain and storm. And I just wish for snow. Well, I don't think there will be any 'white Christmas' but it's ok. It is what it is and it will not change so let's just adjust. I mean, with weather there is no other way I guess.

I have a nice idea in my head about Christmas Eve.. I need to see if it works!

And by the way, the book I got from Mattia for my birthday is just amazing. 'The signature of all things' by Elizabeth Gilbert. Yeah yeah, she's the one from 'Eat, Pray, Love'. So actually, I was expecting the same kind of story from the new book. But hell no, it's a novel. It's beautifully written and I just wish I had more time now, to read it. But no worries, I have it here next to me and whenever I feel like, I can grab it and get into the world of the Whittaker family.
Then again, Kafka, Vonnegut, Wilde and in the meantime 'Writer's handbook'.
Not to mention courses that I'm checking. I need to decide wisely but I really want to attend to one, so I'm taking my time with researches.

Well, that would be it for now. I want to do some things before leaving to work, so I'll be going now.
It's Sinterklaas in The Netherlands today! So I hope all kids will get a little something from the old, grey guy.

Have a great day, and talk to you soon!

Alicja