Piacere di conoscerti.

Recently a lot has been going on. Things easily could pull me under, I could not resist no matter how hard I tried. The echoes of some of them are still revolving around like a creepy nightmare.
Sometimes I think that the only way to escape from them is to run away, but the reasonable voice in my head tells me that I just need to solve. Solve. Over and fucking over again. It's like problems love me.
I will tell you why: because I can't keep my mouth shut. As I already said before, I have a very quick reaction to bullshit. You may call it a ''short temper''.
It has always been a big issue for me because people- they simply love to live with their eyes closed, it's so easy. Seeing things as they really are hurts more, and I think that it's my main issue.
You say ''I'm depressed''. I say ''I am fucking sad because I feel underrated''. You can find everything a name so easily that it freaks me out. Say what you feel, don't give it a name, don't put a sticker on it.
But unfortunately the reality hits me stronger than others and sometimes I just can't get over some issues.
You avoid the truth, don't you? I seek for it.

How much did it help me to see my family in Poland.. You can't imagine that.
I saw my parents with tears of happiness in their eyes when I entered the apartment. I felt.. home.
I had a short walk around the city, alone.. I missed it so much but.. I got that feeling that I don't belong there anymore. It will be mine until I die, but I don't feel so confident there no more.
My heart was confused, not my mind. My mind knew what's going on, but my heart wanted to be sad that I have to go.. Sure, when I had to kiss my parents goodbye I thought I'm gonna break inside.. But when I landed, and especially when I arrived at the central station in Amsterdam.. I got that big smile on my face and felt like saying ''good to be back''.
Going back to work so soon was a pain in the ass but I did it, and now it's only 8 days until my holidays start and 10 days until we fly to Italy.
We, we get on. We have some difficulties but that feeling makes me high. There is nothing better in the whole fucking world than falling asleep in your arms. I don't care who says what, when and where and how-non importa. It's that thing when you say ''heyyyyy, I'm in the metro, I will be there in a moment''.
I prayed to God, well actually- I cried. I told him ''if you put him on my way, just to give me a lesson, show me that something nice can happen to me, but then you will take him away to make me stronger- screw you". Really. I don't like playing games and experiencing sophisticated levels of spirituality- God, if you put someone like THAT on my way, please, I beg you, do NOT take him away. EVER.

That goddamn autumn started, and the storms are raging again. Just yesterday, in Poland, 20 degrees, sun and bluse sky. I arrived here and my first thought was WHAT THE HELL is with the weather in this country? Seriously, do something about it.

I think it's time for one final cigarette and sleep.
You said ''tomorrow'' so I'm already happy and have more strength to survive those 8 hours at work.
Grazie tante,

xxx

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